96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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