Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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