Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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