Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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