I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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