I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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