If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
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I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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