My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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