she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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