get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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