if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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