I think my fart just growled at me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
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If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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