Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
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I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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