i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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