So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
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I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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