On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
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She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
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You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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