I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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