you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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