You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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