Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize