I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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