im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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