maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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