Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
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I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
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My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
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