cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
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I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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