Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
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Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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