He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
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I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
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Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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