i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
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I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
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Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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