rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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