New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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