Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
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Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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