What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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