I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
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Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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