Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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