my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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