Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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