and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
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That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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