Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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