i think my tv is drunk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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