please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize