Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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