Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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