Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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