Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
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so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
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And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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