my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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