My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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