That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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