Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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