i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize