We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
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I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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