We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
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We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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