Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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